


Perdition

by theladyscribe



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-12-13
Updated: 2008-01-11
Packaged: 2018-04-10 09:57:18
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,333
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4387382
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theladyscribe/pseuds/theladyscribe
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He moves as if he’s about to speak, but he shakes his head and walks away, his back straight. Jo wonders if she’ll ever see him again. // An AU in which Jo and Sam were married and Dean continued to hunt, only for tragedy to strike.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. here in this perdition we go on and on

Prologue

They don’t look at each other during the graveside service, standing on opposite sides of the empty casket (as his widow, she’ll scatter Sam’s ashes later, alone). The people who knew Sam as the handsome young professor with the pretty wife and two darling daughters (ages one and five) offer their final condolences and walk back to their cars and their day-to-day lives until the only people left are the ones who truly knew Sam – Jo, their daughters, her mother, Bobby Singer, and Dean.

Bobby tips his hat (a black bowler that’s seen better days) and walks slowly toward a rusty blue Chevelle. Ellen hugs her daughter tightly and, glancing at Dean, offers to take the girls for a few minutes, leaving Jo and Dean with the oppressive silence between them.

He moves as if he’s about to speak, but he shakes his head and walks away, his back straight. Jo wonders if she’ll ever see him again.

 

1.

It’s nearly Christmas, and it’s been over a year since she last saw him. He’s changed a lot since then, looks years older than he actually is. She should be bitterly angry with him for leaving their family without a word after the funeral, should tell him to fuck off when he asks to come inside, but she doesn’t. She lets him into her little house, tells herself it’s not the same as letting him back into her life, knows the lie as soon as she thinks it. He walks into her kitchen, and it’s the first time he’s ever not filled up a room with his presence. She supposes that makes sense; after all, without his brother, he’s fallen apart, just like she has.

“Didn’t think you’d come,” she says quietly, and he smiles bitterly.

“Neither did I,” he answers.

“You’ll stay for Christmas?” she asks, even though she’s pretty sure she already knows the answer.

“You’ll let me?”

“The girls will want you to.” He nods and looks down at his feet. She sighs. “Janey asks almost every day, ‘When will Dean be home? Will he be here tomorrow?’ It’s gotten harder and harder…” She lets out a shuddering breath.

“I’m sorry,” he whispers hoarsely. He blinks then and asks, “Where are they, anyway?”

“Janey’s at school and Rose is at a play-date. I’ll have to pick them up in a couple hours.”

He nods, and they come to an awkward silence.

“You – you could come with me,” she offers. “It’d be a good surprise for them. Janey’s so quiet these days; she hardly smiles anymore.”

“Okay,” he says, looking up at her, his green eyes bright, as if they’re glistening with unshed tears. She’s seen that same look all too often on her eldest, and it hits her like a hammer: Dean was the same age when he lost his mother. He gives her a small smile, and Jo returns it weakly.

“Good.” She pauses. “I have a couple errands to run, but I’ll be back before long. Just… make yourself at home. The guest room is down the hall on the left, next to the bathroom.”

 

2.

As predicted, Janey is elated to have her Uncle Dean home for the holidays. She practically leaps into his arms for a hug when they pick her up from school, and she tells him all about her first grade class and how Jimmy Olson chases her all over the playground at recess. It’s the most Jo’s heard her speak since her father died, and it makes her want to both smile and cry.

Rose’s reception of her uncle is not so ecstatic. She watches him with wide eyes, like he’s going to eat her, and she refuses to say hello even after Jo assures her it’s all right.

Dean’s nostrils flare, and Jo watches as the doors he’d opened up slowly begin to close again.

“Uncle Dean, are you staying for Christmas?” Janey asks as they drive back to the house, and Jo waits for him to say no.

“If your mom says it’s okay,” he answers, voice a little ragged.

Jo smiles. “Of course you can stay.”

 

3.

They fall into a rhythm that feels almost foreign to her – it’s been a full year since they had a fourth player in their little drama. Dean helps out where he can, dropping off and picking up Janey from school, coaxing Rose into trusting him enough that he can watch her while Jo’s at work. He’s amazingly good with children, though she shouldn’t be so surprised – Sam did tell her that his brother practically raised him on his own.

Dean goes with her to the Christmas party hosted by the firm she’s been working for, and the next day all the women stop by her desk to ask about her new boyfriend.

She blushes and explains, “He’s not my boyfriend. He’s my brother-in-law.”

“So that means he’s available, right?” asks one coworker with a familiar glint in her eye.

Jo has no trouble telling her that Dean is celibate, and not by choice. That particular piece of gossip spreads through the office quickly, and she gets no more questions about her mysterious brother-in-law.

 

4.

There’s another party – New Year’s Eve this time. Jo sends the girls to stay with a friend who has a girl the same age as Janey so she and Dean don’t have to worry about a babysitter (or hangovers in the morning).

It’s a formal party, and it’s fun if for nothing else than the faces Dean makes when he’s forced into a tuxedo. Dean loosens up after about five glasses of champagne, and Jo finds herself smiling more and more as the night goes on. They count down the seconds to the new year and salute it with raised glasses and a chaste kiss that holds the whisper of a promise neither wants to voice.

For the first time in what seems like forever, Jo feels light. She hopes it will last.

 

5.

They go home to a dark house, and already it’s not the same as it was at the party, like they were just playing parts and now the show’s over and they’re backstage, returning to reality.

Now it’s awkward and strange, like they’re two pieces of a puzzle that don’t quite fit together (a piece missing between them). Except that they share a bottle of Jack and it turns out they fit together exactly the same way they did so many years ago, before she married Sam, lips to lips, throat, heart, and hands to hips, chest, face. Even the fumbling is a familiar companion, an old friend after so long.

It’s hasty, desperate, like a dying wish, and she banishes the thought that it might be exactly that.

They fall into each other, there on her living room floor, their clothes scattered across the cold hard wood, their bodies wrapped in the quilt that usually lies across her couch.

She rests her cheek against his heart, listens to its steady beat, and his hand lies lightly on her back. “How long you gonna stay?” she whispers, not really wanting to know.

He doesn’t answer, and she looks up to find him sleeping off the drinking and the sex. She sighs and settles against him, ignoring the way the floorboards dig into her hip and hoping he’ll still be there when she wakes.

She wakes in her bed hours later, the blankets pulled gently across her naked frame. He’s gone, and she tries not to be disappointed.


	2. The dice were loaded from the start

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He stands there looking sheepish in her doorway, and she can’t decide whether it would be better to let him in so she can rail at him in private or to slam the door in his face.

6.  
  
He shows up again on one of Jo’s mid-week off-days, and she wonders how it is that he knows her schedule. He stands there looking sheepish in her doorway, and she can’t decide whether it would be better to let him in so she can rail at him in private or to slam the door in his face. She attempts the latter, but he’s too quick and he stops the door, his hand above their heads and gripping the door tightly.  
  
“Go away, Dean,” she grates out.  
  
He doesn’t; he pushes his way inside the house and she prepares herself for the shouting match to come. Instead, he backs her up until she hits something solid (the wall), puts his hands on either side of her body, and leans in for a kiss she tries not to return.  
  
She isn’t sure what this is, what this means. Isn’t sure she really wants to know. She’s pretty certain it’s wrong, whatever it is. He’s her brother-in-law, not her lover, never her husband.  
  
It was wrong the last time, when they were still happily drunk from New Year’s, but now they don’t even have the excuse of wine and jack to blame for their transgressions.  
  
It was wrong the first time, when Sam was gone to Africa all those years ago (before they were married) and Dean was just passing through on his way to his next hunt, when she was lonely and he offered her a warm body for a few nights.  
  
And yet, she can’t find it in herself to care as she’s wrapping her legs around his waist and his hands are fisting in her hair and the next thing she knows he’s walking with her wrapped around him, somehow keeping his balance as he moves through her house to her bedroom. Her body works of its own volition, hands tugging at clothing and lips wandering wherever they can find bare skin, her brain effectively shut off by sensation and desire and overwhelming _need_.  
  
  
7.  
  
He lays her down and spreads her out, taking his time and driving her crazy, and it’s so different from the last time that she almost believes he came just to prove he was better when not inebriated.  
  
  
8.  
  
She feels like she’s failed. Failed Sam, failed her daughters, failed herself. She needs to keep Dean distant, keep him out of their lives – protecting her girls is her priority, it has to be, and keeping Dean from hurting them when he leaves is part of that, and it can’t be done if she keeps letting him do this to her, to them.  
  
She tries to ignore the part of her that knows she needs him gone to protect herself. She’s had too much heartache and hurt already with Sam’s death. And Dean is reckless in a way his brother never was (Dean’s recklessness is the reason his brother is dead, and though neither of them will ever say it out loud, it’s always going to be there, just below the surface).  
  
He needs to leave as soon as he wakes, and she repeats that to herself like a mantra – it’s her lifeline, not letting her settle against his warm side and sink into sleep like she so desperately wants to. She needs him to leave (she wants him to stay), _she needs him to leave (she wants him to stay)_ , in and out with each breath she takes, _thump-thud_ with each steady pump of his heart beneath her ear.  
  
  
9.  
  
She finally gets up and showers while he sleeps, wakes him with the words, “I have to go pick up the girls. Will you still be here when I get back?” Her voice is accusing, but she can’t help it, not really, not when he’s walked out on her time and time again (when Sam was in Africa, when Sam died, at New Year’s).  
  
He sits up, rubs a hand across his face. “Do you want me to be?”  
  
She looks at him, considers his question. “Janey doesn’t smile anymore.”  
  
And it’s the truth; Janey didn’t cry when Jo told her that Dean was gone. She asked when he’d be back, and Jo was forced to say, “I don’t know.” She had to watch her blonde-haired baby girl shut down completely, reverting back to the weeks just after Sam’s death. It made her angry, and she vowed never to let Dean into their lives again. Of course, that wasn’t the only promise to herself she broke today.  
  
He frowns for a moment, emotions warring across his face, and then he makes his decision, as visible across his features as the freckles that dot his cheeks.  
  
“We’ll be back in about twenty minutes. You might want to take the time to put on some clothes.” It comes out harsher than she intends, but she’s not sure whether to apologize so she leaves it, leaves him sitting naked in her bed while she goes to get her girls, already planning to stall in case he changes his mind.  
  
  
10.  
  
He’s sitting on the couch with a towel around his shoulders and a mug of coffee on the end table when they walk in. Janey’s face erupts into a wide smile and she practically leaps into his arms with a shrieked “Uncle Dean!”  
  
Rose buries her face into her mother’s shoulder, as if she still doesn’t trust the strange man who has entered their lives. But Rosie’s always been that way – Sam was the only man she ever let hold her without screaming her head off, so Jo pays it little mind.  
  
Janey’s already whispering secrets into Dean’s ear, her little hands pulling his head down so she can tell him everything that he’s missed in the few weeks he’s been gone. The way his head is tilted has to be uncomfortable, but he’s smiling, taking in every word, returning the kiss Janey places on his cheek when she’s finally finished.  
  
  
Epilogue  
  
This time, he stays.


	3. And the history books forgot about us

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She knows he won’t be back, not for a long time.

1.

Sam goes to Africa for five weeks one summer, and Jo has never been lonelier in her life.

He’s been gone on digs before, but never for this long, and though she knows it’s a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity for him (especially since he’s going to start working at the university full-time in the fall), she wishes he could have refused, or at least taken her with him. But the school was adamant that only spouses were allowed to be added to the budget; long-term girlfriends had to pay their own way.

She hates the way that sounds – in the university’s eyes, “long-term girlfriend” is just another way of saying “fuck buddy,” but Sam’s not yet proposed (she’s not sure he ever will).

 

2.

Dean shows up about three weeks later, bruised and bleeding. She patches him up and invites him to stay for as long as he wants. He doesn’t come around often when Sam is gone – though no one is bitter, it’s still awkward between them (she used to be his, before she was Sam’s).

He keeps his distance, but it’s not quite far enough and the old ache begins to flare again. She wonders if he can feel it, too, the invisible pulsing desire that crackles just beneath the surface of her skin. She loves Sam, she does, but Dean always makes her feel electric, flame flaring bright white-hot, where Sam is slow burning warmth, a cozy fire on a cold winter night.

 

3.

There’s no excusing what happens, she knows, and he knows it, too. They were forfeit the day he walked away and Sam walked in.

But she’s lonely and he’s here, and she needs something to fill the void of five long, empty weeks without Sam’s voice in her ear and Sam’s lips on her neck and Sam’s hands on her hips. And she lets it happen, lets herself drink until she’s only aware of the heat of Dean’s body next to her, lets herself kiss him with all the pent-up longing she’s tried to hold back.

And one thing leads to another, and she wakes cold and alone, all signs of Dean gone except her naked body.

She knows he won’t be back, not for a long time.

 

4.

Sam comes home from Africa flushed with the excitement of a dig gone well. Jo doesn’t have the guts to tell him about Dean, so she tells him instead, “The condom must have broken.” She shuts her eyes and waits for Sam’s reaction. She’s not sure what to expect, but a whoop of joy isn’t it at all.

“Jo! That’s wonderful!” he exclaims, a wide smile across his face when she opens her eyes.

“It is?” She frowns.

“Yeah.” He kisses her. “And I have something for you. I was going to wait, but now’s as good a time as any.” He slides a hand into his pocket and begins to kneel; Jo’s stomach drops with his body. “Joanna Harvelle, would you do me the pleasure of becoming my wife?” He pulls out a gold ring with a glittering diamond.

“I… I don’t know what to say,” she stutters as he slides the ring onto her finger. She feels lightheaded, and now she’s wishing she’d told him the truth, because there’s no backing out now.

“You don’t have to say anything,” he says, rising. “Just marry me!” He kisses her again, and she hopes he won’t notice the tight knot of tension that’s settling in her chest.

 

5.

The wedding is simple, a small service in a tiny chapel.

Dean is best man, with a smile that overtakes his face as he watches his brother.

 

6.

Janey Winchester comes into the world squalling like there’s no tomorrow. Sam thinks she’s the most precious thing in the world, and he calls everyone they know to tell them about his darling beautiful baby.

“Dean sends his love,” Sam tells Jo. “I told him he needs to come visit as soon as possible.”

Jo smiles weakly. “That would be nice.”

 

7.

Dean arrives unannounced on a sunny day in June, about two months after Janey is born. Sam welcomes him with open arms. “She’s the most beautiful creature on the face of the planet, Dean,” he says, bringing his brother to where Jo sits with the baby.

Dean’s face lights up. “You made one hell of a baby,” he tells her.

“Do you want to hold her?” Jo asks softly, holding Janey out to him. He takes her into his arms, and she fits like she’s meant to be there (she should be).

Dean smiles down at her, and she smiles back, a gummy, toothless smile that’s wider than ever.

 

8.

He never asks her if Janey is his, and for that she is eternally thankful, because she knows she could never lie to him.

Sam does mention once that he’s surprised how _blonde_ Janey is, and it sends a spike of fear through Jo. But Dean reminds him that their mother was blonde and Jo is blonde, too, so why not Janey?

 

9.

Rose is born four years later, to much less fuss. She’s darker than her sister, almost a carbon-copy of Sam, with wide puppy eyes and dimpled cheeks.

Dean’s there this time, staying at the house for a few days so someone is around to watch Janey when the time comes.

She fusses when Dean holds her, but he just shrugs and hands her back to her father. “I’ll take Janey for ice cream, okay?” he says.

He tosses a giggling Janey over his shoulder and Jo tries to ignore the tension in his back, as if Rose’s rejection has laid him low.

 

10.

A year later, Dean begs Sam to go on a hunt. It’s one he can’t do alone and he trusts his brother more than anyone else. He doesn’t do this often (he respects Sam’s wishes for “normal”), and Jo wonders what sort of monster would spook him enough to drag Sam back into hunting, even just once. Sam goes (declares family emergency, gets his TA to cover his classes for him).

Dean comes back with Sam’s lifeless body in the back seat and a sorrowful broken look in his eyes.

 

Epilogue

She tells his colleagues and her friends it was a car wreck, a flipped car on an icy road on the way home. No one questions it and no one blames her for having a closed casket ceremony.


End file.
